It’s been a huge year for Stormzy Whether it’s the Stormzy Scholarship, winning the Ivor Novello award, releasing his autobiography Rise Up and launching a publishing imprint with Penguin Books or now this, a headline slot at Glastonbury 2019, the #Merky rapper is absolutely killing it. He’s also going out with Maya Jama, which must be nice. […]

8 years ago

The Video Assistant-Referee will be entering the mad fray of the Barclays next season Top-flight clubs have agreed, “in principle”, to the introduction of VAR technology from next season, the Premier League has announced. Clubs were provided with an update on this season’s VAR trials at a shareholder’s meeting that took place today. The Premier […]

8 years ago

Even with salaries as high as £66,500, a city in Japan is struggling for ninjas The Japanese city of Iga, which claims to be the birthplace of ninjitsu, the tactic of unconventional guerrilla warfare and espionage, is suffering from a ninja shortage. Yes, that is right, despite it being probably the coolest job in the […]

8 years ago

Why does Colin Farrell only have one arm? The trailer for Tim Burton’s live-action Dumbo film is here, and, as expected, it is… well, how do I put this? Weird as fuck. Yeah, yeah that’s it. That about sums it up. Does it make you want to see Tim Burton’s Dumbo? No, to be honest. Not at […]

8 years ago

Another one bites the dust Work and Pensions Secretary, Esther McVey, has followed (former) Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab and Northern Ireland minister Shailesh Vara in handing in her resignation. McVey publicly announced her withdrawal on Twitter, stating that she informed Prime Minister Theresa May this morning that she would be resigning from her cabinet, along […]

8 years ago

Oh. It’s Christmas now, is it? It’s Christmas now because of an advert, is it? It’s Christmas now because John Lewis, presumably once a man that existed, but now just the name of a shop that you don’t go into, said so. You know it? You know the one? The big one, that is just basically […]

8 years ago

You gon’ go beyond infinity? You don’t know nothin’ about science The first teaser trailer for the upcoming Toy Story 4 film escaped from the moving truck and jumped into our backseat’s on Monday, and it appears the Disney Pixar gods have blessed us once again. With this: Ducky & Bunny, two more adorable-looking characters […]

8 years ago

He called it an ‘honour’ to be the first person to take a piss there Lord Alan Sugar, the man in the big swivel chair on the hit show featuring some of the worst people on the planet, The Apprentice, is a bizarre individual. Mostly due to the weird kink he went through of posting about […]

8 years ago

You clicked on this to see a dick, didn’t you? Specifically Giorgio Chiellini’s dick That’s fine. Don’t worry. That’s why we’re all here. To catch a brief glimpse of Giorgio Chiellini’s little Giorgio. By way of a haphazard Cristiano Ronaldo snap in the changing room. What an odd, perfect world this is that we live […]

8 years ago

Dave Grohl is almost annoyingly great Why can he play every instrument? Why is he so happy all the time? Why is hair so glorious, his beard so thick, his face so immediately warm and handsome? Why is he so fucking lovely, as well? How can anyone be as constantly lovely as Dave Grohl is? […]

8 years ago

The England playmaker has had an unusual career, but what a glorious throwback he was Former West Ham, Chelsea and England attacking midfielder Joe Cole has announced his retirement at the age of 37. In his post announcing the news Cole wrote: “After 20 years as a professional, the time has come for me to […]

8 years ago

Is it art imitating life or life imitating art? It was difficult to tell after Manchester United’s victory against Juventus during the week, which saw Normal José Mourinho throw on Marouane Fellaini late and to great effect to shithouse his way to very, very fortunate 2-1 victory. If that wasn’t enough, he then proceeded to […]

8 years ago

This does not reflect well on the historic (archaic) university Earlier this year, Ivor Novello-award winning artist and all round good guy Stormzy announced the appropriately named ‘Stormzy Scholarship‘. It was a commitment from the Grime artist to pay the full tuition fees and maintenance grants for two students in this academic year and the next, […]

8 years ago

The fire broke out from the deep fat fryer in the cafe A Morrisons store in Kent was evacuated this morning as flames tore through the shop’s roof. Firefighters were called onto the scene at 7:34am to respond to the incident, which occurred in the Cheriton area of Folkestone. Kent Fire and Rescue sent 12 […]

8 years ago

A mass shooting has taken place in Thousand Oaks, California A mass shooting has taken place at Borderline Bar & Grill in Thousand Oaks, California on one of the venues College nights, attracting students from California Lutheran University and California State University, Channel Islands. Police officers were called at 11:15 pm local time on Wednesday night […]

8 years ago

Leeds United are harking back to the glory days It’s been a long time coming but Leeds United, one of the biggest clubs in England whether you like to admit it or not, having something of a swagger about them again under the iconoclastic Marcelo Bielsa. They are currently sitting top of the Championship on […]

8 years ago

Jagshemash Sacha Baron Cohen’s most famous caricature other than Ali G, the Kazakhstani reporter Borat, returned to television screens on Tuesday to ‘tamper’ with the US midterm elections. The sketch, which was shown during Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Cohen himself appearing as a guest, sees Borat visit a wealthy suburban neighbourhood in California and go […]

8 years ago

Truly, this is the end of days Is this news? Is it? Sometimes I ask myself that, after scouring the internet trying to find the latest scoop to deliver to you, my audience, like a flood of hot coffee down your throat. In a way, yes, yes it is news because there are two parties […]

8 years ago

Shooting begins in just a few weeks Breaking Bad, the hit TV series that followed the transformation of Walter White – a human doormat/chemistry teacher who discovers he has terminal cancer – into the criminal mastermind behind an extensive and ambitious drugs operation, is coming back as a film. The Hollywood Reporter have, well, reported […]

8 years ago

Le Professeur could be making his comeback sooner than expected Arsène Wenger is reportedly close to taking over as manager of Serie A giants AC Milan, and has been in negotiations with the club for several weeks, according to FranceFootball. Wenger has stepped away from football since leaving Arsenal last season, the club he took […]

8 years ago

The rapper was found dead in his room at his home in San Fernando Valley in September The L.A. County Coroner’s Office has released its toxicology findings and confirmed the cause of Mac Miller’s death. According to the report Mac died from “mixed drug toxicity” with fentanyl, cocaine and alcohol found in his system. The Coroner has […]

8 years ago

You have a late substitute host for the Monday Football Quiz this week Which is why you’ll notice that the questions have gone a bit continental. You’ll be dipping your toes into the weekend’s action from La Liga, Seria A, the Eredivisie and even the J-League in this week’s quiz, along with the usual few […]

8 years ago

Pochettino is a Netflix binge-watcher just like the rest of us It appears that Mauricio Pochettino, the Premier League’s golden boy, blue-sky manager seemingly shackled by Tottenham Hotspur’s net spend, if you’re on Jamie Carragher’s side of the endless Monday Night Football opinion war that is, has had his mood lifted by the arrival of the new […]

8 years ago

You’re going to tag your mate in this article, aren’t you? For ‘banter’. To imply that they have a small penis. Or maybe you know they have a small penis. Maybe you know they don’t. Maybe you’ve seen more of their penis than you would have liked. Maybe they’ve seen more of your penis than they would […]

8 years ago

Don Andrés. We are not worthy Typically, occasional Arsenal orchestrator Mesut Özil is the player you most associate with the ‘scoop pass’, a move not used particularly often in football outside of school playgrounds up and down the country. The reason for this is twofold. First, the unique design of a particular variety of Clarks’ shoes lent […]

8 years ago

A Tory MP has called on the government to reintroduce hanging Conservative MP John Hayes has asked the government to consider the “potential merits’ of bringing back the death penalty, in the form of hanging, for particularly violent crimes. Hayes, who is MP for South Holland and the Deepings, believes that capital punishment “should be available […]

8 years ago

Where would this country be without Greggs? We wouldn’t exactly be eating out of dustbins, no, but still. We’d be much worse off, that’s for sure. The sausage rolls, the steak bakes, the bacon roll and coffee deal in the morning. These components make up the very backbone of our society. Sure, Greggs has its […]

8 years ago

You can see it in José Mourinho’s eyes now. He’s a dead man walking. The fire, the hunger, even the incessant desire for shithousery. They’re gone. It’s all gone. And what we have left is a frail, defeated football manager, a shell of his former self. What better way to test out Football Manager 2019  than by playing […]

8 years ago

You know the holiday ritual You’re going on holiday. And because you’re going on holiday, the rule is: that the normal rules suddenly no longer apply. What does this mean? It means you can sit and have a pint, no matter what time it is. Why can you do this? Because airports, by their very […]

8 years ago

Oh, mate We’ve all been there as a defender. You’re watching the ball come across the box from a cross and you switch to auto-pilot. You’ve dealt with thousands of these kinds of balls before. It’s run of the mill stuff. As a centre-half, it’s your bread and butter. You relax. There is probably time […]

8 years ago

Like Nuri Şahin when he returned to Borussia Dortmund, the JOE Wikipedia quiz is back once again You know what it is. I give you a screenshot of a footballer’s Wikipedia page and you have to guess who it is based on the clubs, the appearances and the number of goals scored. One-club men have […]

8 years ago

Activism, baby! In tasty ice cream form Ice cream concocters Ben & Jerry’s are sticking it to the man – that man, specifically, being the umbrella-chucker Donald Trump – with a new flavour of ice cream. Well, technically it’s an old flavour, but it’s being renamed. Does that make it new? It’s Theseus’s paradox all over […]

8 years ago

Know anybody that should ace this?

8 years ago

The greatest TV show in the entire world is back Listen to it. Listen to the sound. It’s Craig Charles. It’s Craig Charles and Craig Charles’ deliciously soothing, buttery smooth scouse accent. It’s Craig Charles, as enthusiastic as anyone has ever been about anything, laughing hysterically at people getting stuck on giant rolling pins, falling […]

8 years ago

Thank god. I was just starting to think that this whole Brexit thing had gone off the rails Chancellor Philip Hammond will announce a special Brexit 50p coin as part of Monday’s budget speech. If there’s one thing that will calm the substantial discontent in the Tory party over Brexit, it’s a brand new, shiny-silver […]

8 years ago

According to reports the shooter is still active inside the synagogue An active, armed man has attacked a synagogue in Pennsylvania, America, and is still currently inside the building. Witnesses have stated that the shooter walked into the synagogue and opened fire on civilians whilst yelling “All Jews must die”. The Tree of Life Congregation […]

8 years ago

Scenes in the Golden State locker room It was a while ago now, but it still haunts our memory. Deep in the murky recesses of our minds it remains. It lingers. Corrupting our cells like a bad computer hard-drive. This. Fergie, proprietor of the ABSOLUTE ANTHEM ‘Glamorous’ – infinitely better than ‘Fergalicious’ – holding the […]

8 years ago

Oh, Fiddy. Truly. We are not worthy I’m a big fan of 50 Cent. Not for the music, which has been consistently terrible after the admittedly excellent Get Rich or Die Tryin’. Not for his acting, which, again, has been extremely wooden since his first film, the semi-autobiographical crime drama called, yep, also Get Rich or Die […]

8 years ago

Goodnight sweet prince Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is being written out of The Simpsons, according to a producer of the long-running show. Whilst Matt Groening, creator of the iconic three-fingered characters, has defended Apu, it appears his time has run out. Hari Kondabolu’s documentary The Problem with Apu firmly put a spotlight on the problematic character, and […]

8 years ago

“Unfortunately, it was not possible to reject the request of the UK to withdraw from the EU” Spanish prime minister Pedro Sánchez has branded Brexit a “historic error” whilst speaking to parliament. He believes it will “diminish the influence and prosperity of the British people”. The centre-left first minister told MPs: “Unfortunately, it was not possible […]

8 years ago

Curry shot a ludicrous 11/16 from three-point range on his way to 51 points in three-quarters last night against the Wizards Steph Curry is doing Steph Curry things. That’s basically all you need to know. Golden State’s Golden Boy point guard continues to play the game with a youthful joie de vivre that is impossible […]

8 years ago

Businessman Philip Green obtained an injunction to prevent media from publishing sexual harassment allegations Parliament today named Philip Green as the man at the centre of Britain’s #MeToo scandal. The businessman obtained a privacy injunction to prevent the media publishing allegations by former employees. Green, 66-years-old, is the Chairman of Arcadia Group, which owns high […]

8 years ago

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them Lord of the Rings, maybe the single greatest trilogy of films not named The Godfather, or Toy Story, is coming to Netflix. That’s right. The fellowship will be coming to your laptop screens and bedroom wall-mounted […]

8 years ago

A pipebomb was previously sent to George Soros Functional explosive devices have been found in mail sent to the office of former President Barack Obama and the home of Bill and Hilary Clinton. In a statement, the Secret Service said it “has intercepted two suspicious packages addressed to Secret Service protectees,” who were identified as […]

8 years ago

You clicked on this. Not me. Nobody made you click on it 2005. Do you remember 2005? A Liverpool team consisting of: Jerzy Dudek, Steve Finnan, Jamie Carragher, Sami Hyypiä, DJIMI TRAORE, Xabi Alonso, Luis Garcia, Harry Kewell, Steven Gerrard (c), John Arne Riise and Milan Baroš won the Champions League Final. Do you remember that? Didi […]

8 years ago

I am not a stand-up comedian

8 years ago

Let me tell you about Michael Caine Michael Caine, with a net worth of around £60 million. Michael Caine, having spent the last few years in his luxury apartment in Miami Beach, Florida. Michael Caine, that perennial symbol of Britishness because he speaks in a cockney accent and is a rich, old, white, man. Michael […]

8 years ago

He’s a big boy ‘Chubbs’ the alligator is a well-known resident on the Florida golfing scene. He went viral a couple of years ago when he wandered across a course as bemused/terrified locals looked on, and now he’s back. Sage Stryczny managed to get footage of the beast, who is believed to be around 15 feet […]

8 years ago

It felt like it was the biggest moment of the night, on the same evening that England took a three-goal in Spain Eric Dier, charging 20 yards further forward than he has any right to be, seemingly for the sole purpose of clattering Sergio Ramos, the miscast Marvel villain of this football universe. This was […]

8 years ago

Woof Canelo Alvarez, fresh off his razor-thin split decision ‘victory’ over Gennady Golovkin, which, in this writer’s opinion, was an absolute shambles of a result, has signed the highest-earning sports contract of all time. The contract will see the Mexican middleweight earn a staggering $365 million minimum over the course of 11 fights over the […]

8 years ago